Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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