remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
two words: eviction party
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
