Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
