u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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