literally had 100 drinks last night.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize