I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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