just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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