Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
