My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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