yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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