I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
