i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he laminated a picture of his dick.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
