I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
