Soap is not a condiment
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
