When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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