my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
