Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
