me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Drunk is not a location!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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