if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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