It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
