Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
