Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
