My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
