but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
