If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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