i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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