I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
