Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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