can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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