Duck Duck Cougar?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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