i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Girls should come with a carfax report
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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