I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
