I just pynch a tree in the face
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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