apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
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You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
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i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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