I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
