I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
