Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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