I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
