don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
