Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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