i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
