Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
