i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
