I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
