I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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