Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
