Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
