Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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