Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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