Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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