I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
