I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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