i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
