my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
