i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
