Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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