I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
