The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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