when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
