Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
